Parents Never Read the FINE PRINT…

Parents Never Read the FINE PRINT…

After 40 years of working with parents, I often find myself telling them something that goes like this (and it’s usually when they’re scared and distraught about their kids):

“Well, even though you know some of the things you’ve tried with your kid aren’t working, what you’re doing is understandable…and the problems you’re running into are very common. You see, when a baby is born, parents never read the FINE PRINT…”

I propose to them that, when they’re given a birth certificate to sign at the hospital, they’re also given an implied, figurative birth certificate to sign—what you might say amounts to an agreement to be a parent. I’m referring to this imaginary birth certificate when I say that nobody reads the FINE PRINT—fine print that goes something like this (or should, anyway!):

“Hello, congratulations and welcome to parenthood! In addition to the pleasantries of the day, we would like to draw your attention to one important part of being a parent: You will suffer.”

(Sort of sounds like the beginnings of the Buddha’s teachings—“Life is Suffering”—I suppose…)

At first, they usually think I mean they had to suffer because it’s hard work (changing diapers, getting up in the middle of the night, cleaning up after the little rug rats, etc.). I add, no, that’s not what I mean.

The point is that the fine print should go on to say, “You will suffer because you must watch your child suffer.”

Now, at this point, parents can be a little confused (and maybe you are too!): after all, they have come to me to help their child and/or themselves suffer less, and I’m telling them it was preordained.

”Wait…what?!”

But after a few minutes, they see what I’m talking about and nod their heads….and often tears start to well up.

More tears come from those who have worked the hardest at preventing suffering in their children and now have a place to admit and talk about how often that has not worked out very well.

Now, before I continue, let me make it clear I’m NOT saying parents should accept the kind of suffering that threatens a child’s safety or long-term health and well being. It’s a good idea, of course, to make them sit in car seats even though they scream at the thought, wear life vests in the water when they’re learning to swim despite their embarrassment in front of kids that can swim like fish, and get vaccinations despite their initial fear of needles etc.

Injuries or illnesses because of the lack of common-sense protections are “unnecessary suffering.” “Necessary suffering” is the price we pay to grow up…indeed, to have a human life, whether child or adult.

So far, this all makes sense, right?!

Problem is, many parents get confused and try to reduce their own anxiety about the trials and tribulations their children must suffer while in their care (and often, even when those children become adults and/or are living on their own).

Let me highlight something from that last sentence: “…try to reduce their own anxiety.”

In other words, the FINE PRINT tries to warn us that we have to live with anxiety. How much anxiety depends on how well we accept what the FINE PRINT also warns us about: that we have to live with uncertainty. Uncertainty about what will go wrong (and right) with our children. Uncertainty about what sort of suffering we will experience watching our children suffer and, of course, uncertainty about what sort of suffering they will experience.

Now, that’s not quite right: sorry to say, but there is quite a bit of suffering our children will experience that is certain. You know, like growing pains. For example, leg pain at night, colds and flu, allergies perhaps, learning to ride a bike and getting scraped up; and the emotional growing pains such as getting dropped off at the babysitter’s or day care for the first time, the anxiety of figuring out where they fit in the social hierarchy at school, managing body changes and sexual attraction to peers in puberty, deaths of older relatives and watching pets die, etc.

Some parents will even try to prevent this sort of necessary suffering or, conversely, will make too much of it. Either way, they will paradoxically increase the suffering. This is because children are very sensitive to cues from parents and others about how much pain to expect and/or how to respond to the pain. The greater the anxiety of the parent, the greater the anxiety and perceived pain of the child.

As far as the uncertainty of suffering, well, there are countless examples of what can go wrong as a child grows up and as a parent passes through the seasons of young adulthood to middle-age and so on. I’m sure you can conjure up many awful possibilities that you’d rather not contemplate.

But that’s the point: we know terrible, awful things can happen to anyone, anytime. Parents become acutely aware of this before, during, and not long after their children are born or, in the case of adoption, when they arrive in their home. (Is this a downer essay, or what?!) And there is no shortage of articles and books by mental health and parenting experts about how to deal with special problems of childhood such as disease, disabilities, tragedy and trauma, or other special circumstances of our age that impact the lives of children and families. And that’s all fine and good and they can often be helpful. But I rarely see the experts put enough emphasis on (if they address it at all) helping parents face and accept the suffering they and their kids will experience that cannot be avoided.

Sorry for the doom and gloom, but I think it’s important for all parents and anyone who knows and loves children (and isn’t that just about all of us?) to reflect on how much they deny their anxiety, deny the uncertainty of life and the vulnerability of children, and possibly put too much energy into trying to prevent necessary suffering.

Simply put, this waste of energy includes the mental and emotional gymnastics of trying to prevent our own necessary suffering that is simply part and parcel of being a parent or simply being anyone who knows and loves a child.

In future essays, I’ll outline some of the most common ways I’ve seen parents get into trouble with difficulty accepting the FINE PRINT I’ve outlined here and how to make helpful changes. But there’s one final, critical point I’ve yet to make and that may be the most difficult to accept—a fact that nobody ever talked to me about before or after I became a parent, and one I have never seen addressed in parenting articles or books: all children will “die” by mere fact of growing up to be adults.

“Duh!, Un-Dr.—so what’s your point?!”

Well, my point is not the simple fact that nobody gets out of life alive, that mortality is a given. No, for parents and anyone who watches a child grow to adulthood, that child “dies” and no longer exists. In addition to the joy and amazement of watching our children grow up, it can also be quite painful, even if nothing particularly traumatic happens. Any parent or caregiver who has had the bittersweet experience of looking at old photographs or watching old home movies and videos of children knows what I’m talking about.

Please don’t get me wrong: I’m not trying to equate watching a child grow up with the pain of actually losing a child in an accident, to disease, or other tragedy. Nevertheless, I believe this natural grief inherent in parenthood is left unaddressed or underemphasized. If we don’t face this inevitable pain and longing that cannot be avoided, how can we expect to face and gracefully accept other losses and challenges of being a parent when called to do so?

Just as important: if we don’t acknowledge and accept that we will have to face this inevitable pain and longing for that long lost, sweet little child we used to know, how are we supposed to learn to be mindful and really pay attention and savor the moments when they’re still small and learning simple things like how to walk or ride a bike, or the times they’re in another room with a bunch of friends making a racket and giggling until they have tears in their eyes about what, to us, is the dumbest stuff?

The result of this sort of mindful awareness and acceptance of the unavoidable, necessary pain of parenthood is better decisions as a parent and less stress as a parent.

After all, the most important parenting skill after loving a child is managing stress. Therefore, as in so many other areas of life, the more we face the hard stuff, the more we get the good stuff.

The more we accept the uncertainty, the more certainty we get.

The more tough love we practice, the more “easy love” we enjoy.

I guess you could title this piece: “Paradox and Parenting.”

Next up: Ignore Disrespect and Get More Respect

Wait..what?!