Part 5: No Book Has Just One Chapter: Re-Author Your Life & Make a Difference

Fear of "Committing the Crime of Your Own Uniqueness" (Jeffrey Phillips).

Conventional wisdom in the business world is that one the top reasons why businesses fail is mediocrity: looking like everybody else. They don't differentiate themselves in the marketplace with a "UVP ("Unique Value Proposition")-either they don't have one or don't make it clear what it is. Can this be true for our own identities-our life, itself?!

The story you tell yourself about your life and your behavior matters more than you probably realize. It could be a Trojan Horse-sneaking in an enemy that keeps you stuck. Wouldn't you like to know how to get that enemy to switch sides?

It's important to realize that the way we remember past events is NOT like a video camera. In other words, the way we organize the past into a story isn't objective like a photo or video. Our personal stories are not based on the "truth." That story we call our identity or personality can be changed!

"Who we are is a story of our self-a constructed narrative that our brain creates."-neuroscientist Bruce Hood.

Good news, eh? Too bad our negativity bias usually keeps us from changing how we see ourselves-doing so seems like a threat. It often takes adversity and suffering for a significant shift in self-concept to take place and, of course, we tend to avoid adversity! (For more on how to utilize adversity to your advantage, check out my free guide, "How to Get Unstuck Without Feeling Like a Schmuck," that's available when you sign up for my newsletter at the end of this page.)

Therefore, many people tell themselves a story about their life that's negative and impoverishing. Or perhaps they do it with just some parts of their life, yet those memories and events become too powerful and a person can't stop thinking of them (as we often see with traumatic events).

If you change the way you organize your past and present, your mind cannot tell the difference between what's "true" and "false" because it already created it's own version of the truth, anyway--and, like I said, that's not some sort of objective truth like a video or bunch of facts just sitting out there waiting to be discovered such as 2 + 2 = 4, the earth revolves around the sun, the politicians in Washington are dorks, etc.

Even those high falutin' personality tests psychologists and popular magazines are so fond of aren't really worth much:

"Human beings are far too complex, too mysterious and too interesting to be defined by the banal categories of personality tests."-Annie Murphy Paul

As I mentioned in other articles, when I was 32, I started graduate school to become a psychologist. I was married and had a 3 year old, and we had 2 more children before I graduated. My wife worked full time, I worked full time and then part time, and I completed 3 internship experiences. You might say I was a little stressed. In fact, I had a nervous breakdown.

Now, that could have continued to be the way I wrote my story: "I had a nervous breakdown." But two factors changed the story and I'm convinced changed my life: my mentor's influence and support and a book I came across that included a different way to label the experience.

I was full of anxiety about success in school and keeping all those balls in the air. I started having panic attacks. I went to the doctor and they did a full battery of tests to determine if the heavy, lingering pain in my shoulders and chest (my heart, especially) was a medical problem. Nope, "you're healthy as a horse," he said. (I had been and still am a lifelong fan of regular exercise and a healthy diet, and I had quit excessive use of drugs and alcohol in my early 20s.) He then got out his prescription pad and offered some anti-anxiety medication. I said, "Thanks, but no thanks." It was tempting, I admit, because I wasn't sleeping well and I had many nights of tossing and turning, some crying my eyes out, sobbing heavier than I knew was possible. I had anxiety at work and while just walking around doing nothing in particular.

But I was lucky. I had already come across alternative explanations and frames of reference for what was going on with me. I was beginning to consider my spiritual life (actually, I didn't have one up until that point). I reached out to a few people I trusted and who dropped everything to help and support me. It wasn't easy, but I began to trust a new title to that chapter of my life: I was having a "Spiritual Emergency."

That changed everything-I wasn't "mentally ill" or weak...and there was really nothing wrong with me! My mentor, a true healer if there ever was one, performed spiritual ritual and sacred hands-on healing. The pain lifted immediately. As a human being in challenging situations, I still had anxiety, but nothing like before.

I then had a dream where what I'll term "a spirit" visited me and healed me some more-at least, I'll call it a dream for now. To this day, I'm really not sure-it seemed like I was awake at the time. I was lying in bed and I was screaming as the spirit healed me with what felt like a massive electric charge moving from my feet up to my head. Then the energy and the sense of heaviness about life was "vomited" out of my mouth, ending the screaming. Then I noticed my wife was still asleep, so I woke her up and told her what happened and went to my office to try to understand what had just happened.

I had other similar experiences during that time that defy rational explanation. I don't need you to believe any of it: the main thing is that I changed my story and I changed my life without traditional, Western approaches…despite the fact that I was studying to be a psychologist! Like I said, I declined to use medication to mask my symptoms or dull my senses. In other words, I didn't just rely on the medicine derived from Western science-I was offered something else. But that doesn't mean I threw out the baby with the bathwater. I combined what the academic and professional fields such as psychology and philosophy had to offer with the resourcefulness of traditional wisdom and healing traditions...with a pinch of what I created on my own sprinkled on top! If I may, I'd like to assist you to do the same.

So where does that leave us?! How do we "re-author" our lives in ways that are more resourceful?

Self-Esteem Can't Grow Without a Positive Story

One thing that's pretty obvious is that the results of research in the social sciences are not enough to foster the changes needed in our world today. Whether scientific insight into human behavior, personality, or social interaction is accurate or not, its ability to promote significant change in individuals or groups of people is quite limited.

Why? Well, for one thing, it often leaves out mythic/symbolic, spiritual, political, and moral implications. It can be dry and boring and fail to inspire or motivate people to actually DO something different or take risks with their life. On the one hand, we DO believe people need a general map, but it has to be a good map (actually, we prefer "compass" to "map" link to previous page on compass vs. map).

Another important factor to consider is that, although the social sciences have long been powerfully imposing specialties and scientific authorities on human experience, they have long been guilty of reflecting the dominant segments of Western society's culture and their assumptions about human behavior.

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight and never stop fighting."-e.e. cummings

Social scientists such as psychologists, anthropologists, sociologists, and all those pundits and writers you read in the mainstream press or on self-improvement blogs (not to mention the worst offenders: psychiatrists) almost always betray an historical, political, and moral illiteracy when writing about behavior or lifestyle change.

"There's a lot of people certified, but not everybody is qualified."-Jeffrey Phillips

This state of ignorance has major ethical implications due to the serious repercussions for readers, research subjects, students, patients and clients...and policy makers such as our politicians and government officials.

If the average expert on improving your life is that blind or biased, that leaves out lots of people, don't you think?! I'm sure there are more than a few readers who have felt all those "How to be Happy" or "10 Things Successful People Do that You Do Not" articles don't speak to their experience, their lifestyle, or their realistic options for change.

Besides, wouldn't you agree that fiction is much more powerful than scientific studies in changing the lives of readers and viewers? Think of your favorite books and movies vs. the articles in magazines like Psychology Today or an academic journal-which category moves you the most?

For example, remember "The Grapes of Wrath," that great 1939 novel by John Steinbeck (later made into a great film by John Ford with Henry Fonda)? If you haven't read the book or seen the movie, stop reading and come back after you do…….I'll wait........

Pretty moving, eh?! Made you think about your life and the life of your family, friends, and neighbors, right? Hell, it makes one think about the lives of just about everyone, if you ask me.

Now compare that to some blog post or newspaper article on the economy and why we should or shouldn't raise the minimum wage!

"But hey, Marty: I'm reading this right now on a BLOG, for Pete's sake! And not only that: you're not writing fiction!"

True, true. We're not advocating we throw the baby out with the bathwater-we can still learn and be inspired by social science and/or general non-fiction writing on changing our lives. However, as we mentioned, they're usually one-sided and just focus on changing our little individual selves. They usually leave out mystery, spirituality, storytelling, and/or working for social justice and large scale change. Not only that, but they usually leave out addressing many-if not most-of the causes of our individual suffering, not to mention the suffering of so many millions across the world.

Therefore, their impact is limited. Kinda like the immediate gratification you can get from so many of the distractions available to us (usually for a price): you get a hit, it feels good or takes away physical or emotional pain for a little while, and then you're left feeling empty, anxious, depressed, confused-you get the picture.

"Scratching an itch is a route to pleasure. Learning to productively live with an itch is part of happiness. Perhaps we can do some hard work and choose happiness."-Seth Godin

We're well intentioned-we want to change and make a difference, but, like the experience of all those people motivated to join a gym after every New Year's holiday but let their membership lapse after a month or two, something's missing. (And that's just the way the 1% want it to stay, too.)

Goal Setting Should Start with a New Story

"When writing the story of your life, don't let anyone else hold the pen."-Harley Davidson

"I learned that to find your own voice, you've got to chase after a dream no matter how obscure something sounds."-Daniel Lanois, musician and renowned producer

"The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it."-Doris Day

So, back to re-authoring. It goes something like this:

1. 1. Remember that it's easier to think about and focus on the past and present than it is to imagine the future--a preferred future. So positive change will take work--intentional and persistent practices on a regular basis.

 

1. 1. No matter how stuck you feel, realize you are going to change to some degree no matter what. To test this, just simply look back at all the changes you've made in your life so far including child to teenager to young adult and so on. The big question is: "Will I change in the way I dream about?"

 

1. 1. No matter how routine or boring your life seems to be, decide you will be open to something new. "Novelty" can be scary but it's a huge kick in the butt to motivate us to change in some way.

 

1. 1. Tell a different story about your life, your past, your personality and character, and your potential, and change your life and assist others to do the same. Basically, we're talking about reframing and changing the narrative and the meaning of past events and, therefore, the potential of future change and growth. Then...

 

1. 1. Take action to create momentum and build connection to a supportive and challenging community.

 

Formal Rhubarb's mission includes assisting you in:

1. 1. Identifying the impoverishing stories running (and maybe ruining) your life. We often base these on stories about our biology-our genes or family history-or our culture which has told us who we are and what is acceptable behavior.

 

1. 1. Shifting to resourceful stories that will change your life and the lives of those you touch; and

 

1. 1. Joining a community that inspires you, supports you, challenges you, and offers you an opportunity to do the same for them.

 

How will Formal Rhubarb do that, you ask?

"Do you know what the secret of success in organizations is? Drag other people up with you."-Milton Erickson, the greatest psychotherapist in history (in my humble opinion 😉 )

 

1. 1. I'm going to publish the best of what I've discovered over my 60+ years and what I am discovering now.

 

1. 1. I invite you to subscribe to my free newsletter that includes hand-picked resources to inspire, educate, and, yes, even entertain you (see the end of the page).

 

1. 1. After signing up, you will have access to the free guide, "How to Get Unstuck Without Feeling Like a Schmuck." It includes exercises to inspire and motivate the changes you want to make.

 

1. 1. But I also believe Formal Rhubarb needs the help of every one of you! For now, comment below or contact me here. When the time is right and if there's enough interest, I plan on creating an online community that will be free to join. I believe that the most powerful re-authoring is the result of dialogue and solidarity with one another. As the guy who runs the web site, I promise to listen to you and I'll consider making changes and adjustments based on your feedback and participation. I promise to walk my talk.

 

 

Formal Rhubarb is after nothing less than changing a world that's doomed unless we get moving, and I am certain we all need to change ourselves, fulfill our creative potential, re-author our story, and thereby re-author the story of the entire planet.

How's that for goal setting?! I think they call it a "B-HAG" ("Big Hairy Audacious Goal")!

"Do what I do, dear boy-amaze yourself with your own daring!"-The great Laurence Olivier to a young Albert Finney when asked for his advice on acting.

For more on the Formal Rhubarb philosophy and approach, please see:

Part 1: Roll Up for the Magical Mystery Tour of Your Soul

Part 2: When You Get Hit By Life, Ask "What's the Counterpunch?"

Part 3: The Formal Rhubarb Difference that Makes a Difference

Part 4: Bringing Medicine Back to the Tribe

Making It Up As I Go Along

Why Things Are So Messed Up